Inspiration.

A part of me has felt a wee bit artistic the last couple of days. I know a man who writes this amazing poetry, and I felt inspired to write some words. I'm quite proud of this piece, actually. It's more than just my story, I think it's a universal story. I think it's a fairly straightforward message: we are broken and weak as individuals, but become whole again through the love and grace of our Savior. I always appreciate comments and feedback.

She knew.

But in knowing felt uncertain,

Sitting in the space where things are not seen.

And the substance of things hoped for

Insisted on showing up again and again.

So she prayed.

Lifting her voice to Love above her.

Reaching towards comfort, and

Pleading for a simplicity of things, and to

Rest in Comfort’s hand.

And then she dreamed.

In a place where peace dwelled.

Sweet melodies with celestial bodies

Intertwined. Majestically fulfilling and satiating

The deepest yearning for truth.

But then she fell.

Her delicate soul crumbled underneath

The weight of ignorance and controversy.

Her eyes blinded, touch numbed, the savory taste

Of fresh joy turning stale.

Then He reached.

Omnipotent strength, pulling her out of

Darkness that clouded her sight.

Rescuing her small spirit.

Comfort grabbed her hand.

And then He loved.

Omniscient adoration, healing painful wounds

And restoring her senses. His unwavering

Dedication gives her eyes to see her value.

Faith becomes palpable and real.

So they lived.

Communicating in spirit and song.

Thriving. Knowing. Praying. Dreaming.

Her emptiness just a willingness to listen.

In the space where all things are clean.

Regeneration.

I'm back.

I've decided that I have too many things to say that aren't being said, and that for some FREAKISH reason I like writing more than I used to, so I am giving this blogging thing another go (AGAIN). In the past my posts have been generally "woe is me" in nature, with a hint of humor thrown in for good measure. This time I'd like to take a different approach by giving my ideas about things that are really important to me: Art. Music. Life. Love. Conflict. It is a new perspective. A regeneration.

Don't need no tv, I don't need no phone. 
Don't need a speedy car to get me home. 
Don't need no nothing, all I need is time...
For the simple life.  -  Casey Abrams

For all of the good and bad, American Idol has produced some real artists. This last week I bought Casey Abram's debut album, and if you're a music lover you MUST give it a listen. Casey had a reputation for a youthful jazziness, a rustic and authentic honesty with soul. Man is this album good. Every song sounds like a single, and Casey has achieved what few artists are able to achieve with a debut album: He has stayed true to himself. It won't get the play that it deserves, but I fall in love with him over and over again every time I listen to those songs. He will be the type of musician that won't ever have a huge following, but those who DO follow, will be followers for life. Those are my favorites.

Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and life to everything. - Plato

Tengo Pensamientos...Otra vez.

I have thoughts...again. The "THOREFOJDSAOIFHOAPISFJDPFHUPASFhAUPUDSIFH" kinda thoughts. Thoughts all over the place, with no control. Random. Disorganized. Happy. Sad. Confused. Excited thoughts. I'm such a girl.

1. My transition to Utah would be 90% easier if I had more than basic cable and had a DVR box.
2. The last 10% would be great if I had my CAR. I hate to drive, but I just want to get out of this apartment.
3. I miss some people more than I thought I would, and several people much less than I thought I would. Funny.
4. Utah men are gorgeous. I haven't seen an ugly dude yet.
5. I love BYU campus, I just need it to be about .5 miles closer to me and NOT on World's Most Ridiculous Hill That Requires Me To Climb An Eternal Staircase Because I Don't Want To - I'm Lazy And Out Of Shape.
6. I need something to do with my time, and all my time consuming activities are IN MY CAR. REFER TO NUMBER 2.
7. Apparently following the Honor Code at BYU means following the parts you like and that make sense to you. If it's inconvenient, don't worry, just ignore it.
8. I've missed 1 week of The Glee Project and I feel like my life is over. See Number 1.
9. I never want to be the sort of person that loses life when I gain it. I mean, people move on and have different priorities, I understand that. It is a part of life. But I never want to just forget people. Or turn my back on them. Ignore them. Make them unimportant, just because I'm doing new things. I wish more people knew balance.
10. I could listen to anything by Adele all day, and Doo Wops And Hooligans for most of a day.
11. I HATE being broke. Mostly because I want to buy new music.
12. I feel more confident in myself here in Utah. the first few days have been hard and lonely, but I just feel better about myself in general. I know what my goal is here. And although these people are a TOTALLY different breed, I really don't need to be accepted to feel like a part of this place. It's pretty cool.
13. I need Natalie Stockhoff to move here and be in my life pronto. We have many things to accomplish in our secret Dossier of Operations and Missions.
14. I don't understand how a boy can make you feel like a queen on top of the world one moment, and make you feel like you're scum the next. Or why I don't mind feeling like scum every once in a while because the Queen moments are the best and happiest in my life.
15. I miss my mommy.
16. Being a roommate, a good one, is a skill that I need to develop.
17. Who the HECK told me it was a good idea to go to college for 12 years in a row? Oh sheesh. Brain. Hurts.
18. I like to nap way more than I should. Sounds like a plan...BBL.

Ta Ta for now,

Me.

still a bunch to say

Wow I'll admit, I forgot about this blog. I take that back. I don't think I forgot about it, I just became disinterested. But I heard a song today that inspired me to write. It's called Save The Hero. It's about a girl who hides a lot of who she is and what she feels because she has to be strong for everyone else. She wonders where is the shoulder that she's supposed to lean on. Who's supposed to save the girl, after she's done saving the world? I think I feel that way often. And it's not even that I MIND it, I don't. But sometimes I wish people would think of my feelings. I think a lot of people feel that way, too. Food for thought. I promise I'll come back and make up for my long absence.

I lay alone awake at night
Sorrow fills my eyes
But I’m not strong enough to cry
Despite my disguise
I’m left with no shoulder
But everybody wants to lean on me.
I guess I’m their soldier.
Well, who’s gonna be mine

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help.
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl…
After she saves the world
After she saves the world.

I bottle all my hurt inside,
I guess I’m living a lie.
Inside my mind each day I die
What can bring me back to life?
A simple word, a gesture
Someone to say you’re beautiful
Come find this buried treasure
Rainbows lead to a pot of gold.

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl
After she saves the world…
After she saves the world.

I’ve given too much of myself
And now it’s driving me crazy
(I’m crying out for help?
Sometimes I wish someone would
Just come here and save me…
Save me from myself

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl
After she saves the world…
After she saves the world.

Fairy Tales and Dreams

Blogolites! I've been super nostaligc and re-reading things I'd written from the past. Not anything good or juicy, but just old papers and assignments from undergrad. Man! I found this little gem. I don't remember when I wrote it, but I know that it was a freestyle type-what-you-think thing, maybe about 5 or 6 years ago now. Sometimes it feels good to drum these things up and remember what you felt a long time ago. It helps you understand what you're feeling now.

A magical night, Prince Perfect, moon bright.
No cares, no worries. All is alright.
Love is in the air,
But it seems
Only in fairy tales and dreams.

The romance of the words
That make you melt
Make you think life can be great
That you can be happy
But it seems
Only in fairy tales and dreams

You desire more than fiction
More than what is on the screen
More than words chosen for you
You want to feel it for yourself
But it seems
Only in fairy tales and dreams

Daydreaming always
Fantasy , constantly
A perfect world and place
But it exists only in that place
Where nothing “seems”
And there are no fairy tales or dreams

Its all wrong, but it will be alright.
More than just things.
More than a name, more than what seems.
You want to live
Where there are only fairy tales and dreams.

Don’t fall into that trap
Of despair and dismay
A seasonal feeling, you always fade
But there’ll be him oneday
Prince Perfect
Who brings alive, it seems
All of my fairy tales and dreams.

The Greatest Dichotomy

Dichotomy: Division into 2 separate parts, usually contradictory.

That's me. I think I figured this out listening to music the other day. So many songs seem to express the idea that even when we discover "us", we have no idea who we are. I kept thinking about Alanis Morrisette's lyric "I'm a saint and I'm a sinner..." And then Jordin Sparks's "Hurry up and wait, you're so close but so far away." I'm a contradiction.

I'm spiritual and worldly. I'm intelligent and an idiot. I'm lonely but want my space. I'm a friend that feels friendless. I love you, but can't stand you. I'm happy for you, and hate you and am jealous. A jack of few trades and master of none.

I have bad teeth but love to smile. I'm really shy, but bold and talk too much. I'm popular but consistently overlooked.
I'm a success and a failure. I'm a dancer with no rhythm. A singer with no voice. A violinist with passion, but no tone. I won't eat or drink anything blue, but it's my favorite color. I don't eat but am still overweight. I've discovered that I like pudding but hate yogurt.

I don't intend to sound EMO and depressed. I'm just both happy and sad. I think for most of my life I've been in the middle...and I'm finding that it's a really hard place to be. I'm not low enough to where people want to reach out and rescue me, but I'm not high enough to feel good about a lot or be confident. Work, school, church, family...everything. Stuck in the middle.

It's not really a bad thing. I'd rather be in the middle than at the bottom. the bottom SUCKS. And I'm glad I'm not there. And I'm trying to get towards the top. But these days it just feels like I'm destined to live a life in the middle...

I keep having flashes of Bruce Almighty when he goes postal and says "I'M NOT OK WITH A MEDIOCRE LIFE!" That's me right now. I'm not so in love with the middle. So I'm trying to get up, but I'm nervous. I don't know how to be up. And I think some of what I'm doing to get up is actually getting me down. So I will continue to :

Smile though your heart is aching;
Smile even though it's breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by.
If you smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow,
You'll see the sun come shining through for you.

Light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.

That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.

Todo el mundo sonrie en el mismo idioma....


- Me

Yo Tengo Pensamientos...I Have Thoughts.

1. I HATE how my bed doesn't meet the head board. Because I flip flop constantly while I sleep, and so my pillows fall in that crack many times a night. I hate that.

2. I really like cookies and milk. Especially milk. I think I'll have some right now.

3. Television is amazing. I love it. And the magic of DVR has made it so that I can re-watch all of my favorites over and over. I think I have an addiction. I watch more TV a day than hours I sleep at night. That's probably sick.

4. Everyone's getting married and having babies and I'm jealous. Because I want to get married and have babies.

5. I miss Natalie a lot. and Idaho, actually. And Utah. I really want to be able to find a job there and move. So I can ...consult number 4.

6. I've realized I have sucky self confidence and that most of the decisions I make on a daily basis are motivated by me wanting to impress other people. This must change.

7. I LOVE my job. Part of it is the power trip...see number 6 as well. But I LOVE being in the courtroom and having responsibility and seeing how my education actually plays out.

8. I HATE money. False, I love money. But more recently I've discovered how I really need to be responsible. When I have school money, I am too fluid with the cash and waste it. That's no longer an option. NEWSFLASH: Not all lawyers make crazy money, because I sure don't. I'm pretty sure the manager at WalMart makes more than I do.

9. I have a lot of other dream careers as of late. I WANNA BE A ROCKSTAR. A drummer. Or a reality TV show contestant that's catapult to instant fame. Or a talk show host.

10. I wish I was friends with Billy Bell because he's so talented and I love him.

11. Number 10 also applies to Justin Bieber, David Archuleta, etc

12. I hate the way eggs smell but I love the way they taste.

13. McDonalds chicken nuggets make me happy.

14. I had pudding for the first time today because I made a banana parfait!! I loved it, but definitely have to grow into it.

15. I like cereal.

Love ya,

Lady Blogolicious