The Greatest Dichotomy

Dichotomy: Division into 2 separate parts, usually contradictory.

That's me. I think I figured this out listening to music the other day. So many songs seem to express the idea that even when we discover "us", we have no idea who we are. I kept thinking about Alanis Morrisette's lyric "I'm a saint and I'm a sinner..." And then Jordin Sparks's "Hurry up and wait, you're so close but so far away." I'm a contradiction.

I'm spiritual and worldly. I'm intelligent and an idiot. I'm lonely but want my space. I'm a friend that feels friendless. I love you, but can't stand you. I'm happy for you, and hate you and am jealous. A jack of few trades and master of none.

I have bad teeth but love to smile. I'm really shy, but bold and talk too much. I'm popular but consistently overlooked.
I'm a success and a failure. I'm a dancer with no rhythm. A singer with no voice. A violinist with passion, but no tone. I won't eat or drink anything blue, but it's my favorite color. I don't eat but am still overweight. I've discovered that I like pudding but hate yogurt.

I don't intend to sound EMO and depressed. I'm just both happy and sad. I think for most of my life I've been in the middle...and I'm finding that it's a really hard place to be. I'm not low enough to where people want to reach out and rescue me, but I'm not high enough to feel good about a lot or be confident. Work, school, church, family...everything. Stuck in the middle.

It's not really a bad thing. I'd rather be in the middle than at the bottom. the bottom SUCKS. And I'm glad I'm not there. And I'm trying to get towards the top. But these days it just feels like I'm destined to live a life in the middle...

I keep having flashes of Bruce Almighty when he goes postal and says "I'M NOT OK WITH A MEDIOCRE LIFE!" That's me right now. I'm not so in love with the middle. So I'm trying to get up, but I'm nervous. I don't know how to be up. And I think some of what I'm doing to get up is actually getting me down. So I will continue to :

Smile though your heart is aching;
Smile even though it's breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by.
If you smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow,
You'll see the sun come shining through for you.

Light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.

That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.

Todo el mundo sonrie en el mismo idioma....


- Me

Yo Tengo Pensamientos...I Have Thoughts.

1. I HATE how my bed doesn't meet the head board. Because I flip flop constantly while I sleep, and so my pillows fall in that crack many times a night. I hate that.

2. I really like cookies and milk. Especially milk. I think I'll have some right now.

3. Television is amazing. I love it. And the magic of DVR has made it so that I can re-watch all of my favorites over and over. I think I have an addiction. I watch more TV a day than hours I sleep at night. That's probably sick.

4. Everyone's getting married and having babies and I'm jealous. Because I want to get married and have babies.

5. I miss Natalie a lot. and Idaho, actually. And Utah. I really want to be able to find a job there and move. So I can ...consult number 4.

6. I've realized I have sucky self confidence and that most of the decisions I make on a daily basis are motivated by me wanting to impress other people. This must change.

7. I LOVE my job. Part of it is the power trip...see number 6 as well. But I LOVE being in the courtroom and having responsibility and seeing how my education actually plays out.

8. I HATE money. False, I love money. But more recently I've discovered how I really need to be responsible. When I have school money, I am too fluid with the cash and waste it. That's no longer an option. NEWSFLASH: Not all lawyers make crazy money, because I sure don't. I'm pretty sure the manager at WalMart makes more than I do.

9. I have a lot of other dream careers as of late. I WANNA BE A ROCKSTAR. A drummer. Or a reality TV show contestant that's catapult to instant fame. Or a talk show host.

10. I wish I was friends with Billy Bell because he's so talented and I love him.

11. Number 10 also applies to Justin Bieber, David Archuleta, etc

12. I hate the way eggs smell but I love the way they taste.

13. McDonalds chicken nuggets make me happy.

14. I had pudding for the first time today because I made a banana parfait!! I loved it, but definitely have to grow into it.

15. I like cereal.

Love ya,

Lady Blogolicious