Fed Up of Biding Your Time....

Today was a positive day.

I tried out for a trial team and didn't make it. It didn't upset me because I was told going in that it was an unrealistic expectation. But I helped in a open house today, and those are always fun because I love what they accomplish. They are part of the reason I am sure that I want to go into higher education administration.

I have a promising job interview for the summer where I would be doing administrative work in higher education. There's an even better position available at BYU, that I REALLY want. But we'll see.

And I've never been more tired in my life. School is better this semester because I really like what I'm studying. But the studying is draining me. The late nights and early mornings make me tired . The long days and no naps make me tired.

And I'm tired of being tired. My heart is tired of being tired. My soul is tired of being tired. I'm tired of understanding what the problem is and being powerless to fix it. I'm tired of being sure and then unsure and sure again. I'm tired of seeing the things i work for and want the most get handed to the people in front of me who do nothing but complain, or worse, flaunt.

I'm not depressed. (I think). I'm just tired. I want to just sleep and sleep and sleep. I want something to work out for me. I want to not feel desperate for EVERYTHING all of the time. I want to not be so needy.

I'm tired of being scared. I want to be brave, fearless. Bold.

I'm tired of coming in last place for everything.

i'm tired of not being good enough and not being seen.

I'm so tired.

The night fell off your mind

Oh boy!

1. this holiday season was pretty lame. It just seemed like no one cared. No one wanted to do anything. I went home, and as is customary, I hated it from moment one. I spent New Years alone watching Rent. I fell asleep on the movie. Blech.

2. I can be so sure, but he's always been my weakness. I trust him more than any other person, so when he tells me that he's concerned and he doesn't buy it, I really lose faith. Am I stupid for walking away from him? from the security and love he can provide me? Or would I be stupid for staying with him? He really really wants what's best for me. How can that be so bad?

3. I wish he were someone else. I mean, I wish that he were HIM, but with the gospel. I wish he had the priesthood. And I wish he trusted me as much as I trust him.

4. Money is lame.

5. Who wants to go to Puerto Rico for spring break?

6. I'm not so good with change. It's hard for me.

7. I refuse to fall backwards. I will only move forwards.

Goodnight, sweet blogolites.