still a bunch to say

Wow I'll admit, I forgot about this blog. I take that back. I don't think I forgot about it, I just became disinterested. But I heard a song today that inspired me to write. It's called Save The Hero. It's about a girl who hides a lot of who she is and what she feels because she has to be strong for everyone else. She wonders where is the shoulder that she's supposed to lean on. Who's supposed to save the girl, after she's done saving the world? I think I feel that way often. And it's not even that I MIND it, I don't. But sometimes I wish people would think of my feelings. I think a lot of people feel that way, too. Food for thought. I promise I'll come back and make up for my long absence.

I lay alone awake at night
Sorrow fills my eyes
But I’m not strong enough to cry
Despite my disguise
I’m left with no shoulder
But everybody wants to lean on me.
I guess I’m their soldier.
Well, who’s gonna be mine

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help.
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl…
After she saves the world
After she saves the world.

I bottle all my hurt inside,
I guess I’m living a lie.
Inside my mind each day I die
What can bring me back to life?
A simple word, a gesture
Someone to say you’re beautiful
Come find this buried treasure
Rainbows lead to a pot of gold.

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl
After she saves the world…
After she saves the world.

I’ve given too much of myself
And now it’s driving me crazy
(I’m crying out for help?
Sometimes I wish someone would
Just come here and save me…
Save me from myself

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl
After she saves the world…
After she saves the world.

Fairy Tales and Dreams

Blogolites! I've been super nostaligc and re-reading things I'd written from the past. Not anything good or juicy, but just old papers and assignments from undergrad. Man! I found this little gem. I don't remember when I wrote it, but I know that it was a freestyle type-what-you-think thing, maybe about 5 or 6 years ago now. Sometimes it feels good to drum these things up and remember what you felt a long time ago. It helps you understand what you're feeling now.

A magical night, Prince Perfect, moon bright.
No cares, no worries. All is alright.
Love is in the air,
But it seems
Only in fairy tales and dreams.

The romance of the words
That make you melt
Make you think life can be great
That you can be happy
But it seems
Only in fairy tales and dreams

You desire more than fiction
More than what is on the screen
More than words chosen for you
You want to feel it for yourself
But it seems
Only in fairy tales and dreams

Daydreaming always
Fantasy , constantly
A perfect world and place
But it exists only in that place
Where nothing “seems”
And there are no fairy tales or dreams

Its all wrong, but it will be alright.
More than just things.
More than a name, more than what seems.
You want to live
Where there are only fairy tales and dreams.

Don’t fall into that trap
Of despair and dismay
A seasonal feeling, you always fade
But there’ll be him oneday
Prince Perfect
Who brings alive, it seems
All of my fairy tales and dreams.

The Greatest Dichotomy

Dichotomy: Division into 2 separate parts, usually contradictory.

That's me. I think I figured this out listening to music the other day. So many songs seem to express the idea that even when we discover "us", we have no idea who we are. I kept thinking about Alanis Morrisette's lyric "I'm a saint and I'm a sinner..." And then Jordin Sparks's "Hurry up and wait, you're so close but so far away." I'm a contradiction.

I'm spiritual and worldly. I'm intelligent and an idiot. I'm lonely but want my space. I'm a friend that feels friendless. I love you, but can't stand you. I'm happy for you, and hate you and am jealous. A jack of few trades and master of none.

I have bad teeth but love to smile. I'm really shy, but bold and talk too much. I'm popular but consistently overlooked.
I'm a success and a failure. I'm a dancer with no rhythm. A singer with no voice. A violinist with passion, but no tone. I won't eat or drink anything blue, but it's my favorite color. I don't eat but am still overweight. I've discovered that I like pudding but hate yogurt.

I don't intend to sound EMO and depressed. I'm just both happy and sad. I think for most of my life I've been in the middle...and I'm finding that it's a really hard place to be. I'm not low enough to where people want to reach out and rescue me, but I'm not high enough to feel good about a lot or be confident. Work, school, church, family...everything. Stuck in the middle.

It's not really a bad thing. I'd rather be in the middle than at the bottom. the bottom SUCKS. And I'm glad I'm not there. And I'm trying to get towards the top. But these days it just feels like I'm destined to live a life in the middle...

I keep having flashes of Bruce Almighty when he goes postal and says "I'M NOT OK WITH A MEDIOCRE LIFE!" That's me right now. I'm not so in love with the middle. So I'm trying to get up, but I'm nervous. I don't know how to be up. And I think some of what I'm doing to get up is actually getting me down. So I will continue to :

Smile though your heart is aching;
Smile even though it's breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by.
If you smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow,
You'll see the sun come shining through for you.

Light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.

That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.

Todo el mundo sonrie en el mismo idioma....


- Me

Yo Tengo Pensamientos...I Have Thoughts.

1. I HATE how my bed doesn't meet the head board. Because I flip flop constantly while I sleep, and so my pillows fall in that crack many times a night. I hate that.

2. I really like cookies and milk. Especially milk. I think I'll have some right now.

3. Television is amazing. I love it. And the magic of DVR has made it so that I can re-watch all of my favorites over and over. I think I have an addiction. I watch more TV a day than hours I sleep at night. That's probably sick.

4. Everyone's getting married and having babies and I'm jealous. Because I want to get married and have babies.

5. I miss Natalie a lot. and Idaho, actually. And Utah. I really want to be able to find a job there and move. So I can ...consult number 4.

6. I've realized I have sucky self confidence and that most of the decisions I make on a daily basis are motivated by me wanting to impress other people. This must change.

7. I LOVE my job. Part of it is the power trip...see number 6 as well. But I LOVE being in the courtroom and having responsibility and seeing how my education actually plays out.

8. I HATE money. False, I love money. But more recently I've discovered how I really need to be responsible. When I have school money, I am too fluid with the cash and waste it. That's no longer an option. NEWSFLASH: Not all lawyers make crazy money, because I sure don't. I'm pretty sure the manager at WalMart makes more than I do.

9. I have a lot of other dream careers as of late. I WANNA BE A ROCKSTAR. A drummer. Or a reality TV show contestant that's catapult to instant fame. Or a talk show host.

10. I wish I was friends with Billy Bell because he's so talented and I love him.

11. Number 10 also applies to Justin Bieber, David Archuleta, etc

12. I hate the way eggs smell but I love the way they taste.

13. McDonalds chicken nuggets make me happy.

14. I had pudding for the first time today because I made a banana parfait!! I loved it, but definitely have to grow into it.

15. I like cereal.

Love ya,

Lady Blogolicious

Chante...You stay. Sache away.

Happy birthday to me!

I turned 24 this weekend, and I'm so glad my mom, brother and niece came to see me! We had a nice party on Friday night and then went shopping on Saturday. We went out to dinner at Outback Steakhouse and man....I love meat. I mean I really really love meat. Steak. Big, thick, juicy steak. Love it. A lot.

I also spent the weekend becoming addicted to a show I'd never seen before: RuPaul's Drag Race. This show is a mix of America's Next Top Model and Project Runway...but with drag queens. It is the funniest thing I've ever seen. the 2 contestants in the bottom have to "lip sync" for their lives. And then when Ru decides who stays she says "Chante...you stay. Sache away." All I know about those words is that they have something to do with twirling down the runway. At least that's what I learned from Tyra. And I mean the real Tyra on ANTM, not the imitation Tyra on Drag Race.

Every semester at this point I blog about how final are coming up and I'm completely unmotivated. I have a solid week to get into gear, and I can at least be comfortable with my exams if I spend my time wisely. Consult my blog around May 15th to see how this turns out.

I'm really excited to be starting work in a couple of weeks. I think this is going to make or break me. I will have real autonomy and be trying cases on my own. They will be very small cases, traffic infractions and some misdemeanors. But I think the responsibility will let me see if I really want to be doing something like this. I know that I'd rather be doing higher education administration work in Utah, so I'm also taking some seminars and writing a thesis in that area for school. Basically, I have no idea what to do with my life in the next year. I'll work on figuring that out.

" And remember, if you don't love yourself, how the **** are you gonna love anybody else? Can I get an amen?" - RuPaul

Chante, sache,


- D Will

I don't wanna be anything other than me

For the last month I've been incredibly frustrated with everyone and everything. I don't feel connected or close to anyone. That doesn't always make me sad, but sometimes it devastates me. I think I'm more devastated at the fact that there's no one I really want to be close to right now. Perhaps some missionaries. But they don't count.

I saw a blog once that was directed at "you", which happened to be everyone and no one at the same time. I'm headed in that direction.

Your lack of passion frustrates me. I see that you love things. I see that you love people. You're a loving person. But I have yet to see you passionate about anything. You change your mind on a daily basis. You reach to achieve things, yet you settle for others. You make the story about "you" a lot. You can be and do so much more, but it's like you've talked yourself into accepting mediocrity. Your stories change and are inconsistent a lot, and I suspect it's because you're a bit of a liar.

And you, my dear, just have no idea that there's a world that exists outside of you. More recently I have begun think that maybe you're learning. But it's as if you can only see the world through your special lens, and life is consistently focused on you. I see that you try to be there. But I question your motives sometimes.

And in some weird way, I really miss you. I miss being able to talk to you about anything. I miss hanging out for no good reason. I miss being the person you'd call to do something random with. I miss how you'd teach me. I miss studying with you, and feeding the missionaries with you, and talking to people about the church with you. I don't know how it is that all of a sudden, I disappeared.

You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Have some faith. Quit being wishy washy and flip floppy. Make up your mind what you want in life, go for it, and be happy. You need to remember those promises that have been made to you- trust and believe them. Quit inventing truth for yourself. Work harder. Play less. Love more. You can be a hypocrite at times. Worry more about yourself.

You're remarkable.

You're beautiful.

You're perfect.

You're so special. I hate when I get mad at you, because i WANT to be angry. But it always forces me to see the faults in myself, and I feel terrible. You're great at what you do. I always knew you would be. But I feel like before I held a special place in your heart, and now I don't anymore. Maybe I still do. I felt like you'd always be able to see the real me. And I could always see the real you. You've been a big part of my life. Don't ever forget me, I'll never forget you.

You've been resting on a stale testimony. You go through the motions but have forgotten what they mean. You justify your wrong actions because you're more concerned about pleasure. You're content with the bare minimum. You have no desire to be stronger, or to get closer to your Heavenly Father. You quickly pass off your responsibility as something that should be taken care of by others. You look past God's children because you deem them unworthy of your time. You have lost your way and you don't even know it. You don't listen. You don't act. Ignorance will no longer be an excuse for failure. Get up, and get right.

I love you.


- Sincerely,
Me.

You're Holding My Breath...

Father, I'm going through some heavy things
It seems like this world ain't getting any better
The more we try to get closer to You
The farther we run from Your throne

I've spent so many nights wonderin' when will it end
When will the day come when happiness begins
I'm running the race but it seems too hard to win
I'm sick of mourning my stomach is throwing up in the morning

I'm calling for help and watching it melt away
My heart's been put on display and put away
In many ways, many times I told myself it was ok
And anger was the price that was paid
While these faded dreams just screamed to bring them home

The burden was too heavy I kept running from the throne
I can't take it any longer
I can taste my spirit hunger
God please help me get home


Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I'm not scared cause You're holding my breath
I only fear that I don't have enough time left
To tell the world that there's no time left, Lord please
Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I'm not scared cause You're holding my breath
I only fear that I don't have enough time left
To tell the world that there's no time left

I've come to terms that I'm burning both sides of the rope
And I'm hoping that self-control would kick in before I'm choking off
The sin that be destroying every fiber I got
I need the Lord in every way I'll never make it I'm not
Going back to the way I was before Christ in my life
I couldn't do it I would lose it there's no point to the fight
And I'm writing this song, for the people who don't belong
I pray away the pain you feel from all the things that went wrong
Inside a life that's filled with anger and disappointment
Cause daddy treated you weaker than all of the other kids
It's annoying and I feel for all of you who wanna give up
You feel stuck I feel the same way Lord help us stay up
You couldn't pay me to abandon the idea of true hope
That I could make it through this life into a place where there's no crying
I'm dying to find You with open arms when I go
Knowing You love me and You waiting to give rest to my soul

Lord I don't know what I'm struggling for
There's go to be more
Than this life I know
But still I'm here fighting to never give up
I find strength in Your love
And You will see me through

Fed Up of Biding Your Time....

Today was a positive day.

I tried out for a trial team and didn't make it. It didn't upset me because I was told going in that it was an unrealistic expectation. But I helped in a open house today, and those are always fun because I love what they accomplish. They are part of the reason I am sure that I want to go into higher education administration.

I have a promising job interview for the summer where I would be doing administrative work in higher education. There's an even better position available at BYU, that I REALLY want. But we'll see.

And I've never been more tired in my life. School is better this semester because I really like what I'm studying. But the studying is draining me. The late nights and early mornings make me tired . The long days and no naps make me tired.

And I'm tired of being tired. My heart is tired of being tired. My soul is tired of being tired. I'm tired of understanding what the problem is and being powerless to fix it. I'm tired of being sure and then unsure and sure again. I'm tired of seeing the things i work for and want the most get handed to the people in front of me who do nothing but complain, or worse, flaunt.

I'm not depressed. (I think). I'm just tired. I want to just sleep and sleep and sleep. I want something to work out for me. I want to not feel desperate for EVERYTHING all of the time. I want to not be so needy.

I'm tired of being scared. I want to be brave, fearless. Bold.

I'm tired of coming in last place for everything.

i'm tired of not being good enough and not being seen.

I'm so tired.

The night fell off your mind

Oh boy!

1. this holiday season was pretty lame. It just seemed like no one cared. No one wanted to do anything. I went home, and as is customary, I hated it from moment one. I spent New Years alone watching Rent. I fell asleep on the movie. Blech.

2. I can be so sure, but he's always been my weakness. I trust him more than any other person, so when he tells me that he's concerned and he doesn't buy it, I really lose faith. Am I stupid for walking away from him? from the security and love he can provide me? Or would I be stupid for staying with him? He really really wants what's best for me. How can that be so bad?

3. I wish he were someone else. I mean, I wish that he were HIM, but with the gospel. I wish he had the priesthood. And I wish he trusted me as much as I trust him.

4. Money is lame.

5. Who wants to go to Puerto Rico for spring break?

6. I'm not so good with change. It's hard for me.

7. I refuse to fall backwards. I will only move forwards.

Goodnight, sweet blogolites.