Standing at the edge.....

I've come to the conclusion .....that I suck at life.

Really, I'm just bad at it. I suck at it, and THAT in and of itself sucks.

People respond to this by saying "That's not true. You don't suck at life. You're great, wonderful, I love you..." blah blah.

PROVE IT.

I fail to excel at the things I'm most passion about: I want to be a lawyer, but suck at law school. I adore music, but fail as a musician. I love and adore him deeply, but he doesn't see me.

I might have a nice personality, and people might like to be around me. SO WHAT. That's nice, but inconsequential. When it comes down to things, it doesn't matter.

I could mean something to YOU, but I wish I meant something to ME AND YOU. I wish that I was good at something I put my mind to, instead of being ok at things that are afterthoughts.

And maybe it means more than I feel at the moment that people like me. It IS a skill to be liked. I just don't feel liked enough.

You can't prove that I don't suck at life, because it's true. I love hard, I work hard, I believe hard, I pray hard, I fight hard, I cry hard, I comfort hard....but in the end someone else does it better, or more, or the way that other people want. And I'm never good enough.

Same Sad Song...

I kinda feel this today...about life. And people. And everything.


(oooo)...don't wanna try don't wanna try (try try)
(oooo)..don't wanna try no more
(ooo)..don't wanna try don't wanna try don't wanna try

[Verse 1]
i can't believe u had the nerve to say the things u said
they hurt so bad that they ended our relationship
i can't believe it ..4 years gone down the drain
oh how i wish things would of happened so differently
i try'd to save it so many times but you still couldn't see
u kept insistin' and resistin' that u would not fall again
and now ur tryin' to tell me that ur sorry
and ur tryin' to come back home
ur tellin' me u really need me crying beggin both knees are on the floor
but baby i

[Chorus]
don't wanna try don't wanna try don't wanna try no more
u keep insisting when u know our love is out the door
don't wanna try don't wanna try cuz all we do is fight and say the things
that hurt so bad to where we both begin to cry
don't wanna try don't wanna try i 'bout just had enough its been a rough road
baby just let it go
don't wanna try don't wanna try don't wanna try no more
tell me whats the use of holdin' on when all we do is hurt our love

[Verse 2]
u and i had many conversations on the telephone
talks about one day we having a place of our own
wake up in the morning and have breakfast ready on the table
but all of that just seems so far away from me
had to wake up face reality
it all just seem to good to be true after all you put me through
and now ur tryin' to tell me that ur sorry
and ur tryin' to come back home
u tellin' me that u really need me crying beggin both knees are on the floor
but baby i

[Chorus]
don't wanna try dont wanna try dont wanna try no more
u keep insisting when u know our love is out the door
don't wanna try dont wanna try cuz all we do is fight and say the things
that hurt so bad to where we both begin to cry
dont wanna try don't wanna try i bout just had enough its been a rough road
baby just let it go
don't wanna try don't wanna try don't wanna try no more
tell me whats the use of holdin' on when all we do is hurt our love


(don't wanna try don't wanna try)
(don't wanna try no more)
(don't wanna try dont wanna try don't wanna try no more ooo)

Get out of my dreams....and into my car!

I've always been a dreamer. I dream good things, bad things, and things that will happen. But there's been this semi -theme recently that makes no sense. I will attempt to attach sense to it through my psychological prowess. Maybe.

Dream #1:

There's a guy that "attends" our ward who is crazy. Legitimately "not all there." Anyone who speaks to this guy gets a real glimpse into the life of a person who is nuts. He's not at all attractive, and not in any way, shape, or form my type of man. In this dream, I had agreed to marry him. I remember not being totally in love with him, but sort of having this feeling like it wouldn't be the worst thing ever so I agreed to do it. I think I felt desperate. We were going to McDonalds or something, and I catch him cheating on me. I was stunned. I remember saying something along the lines of "I LOWERED my expectations to be with you, and you still cheated on me????" And then we broke up.

Dream # 2:

This was like 2 sub dreams, which confuzzled me. There was a short, dark haired man with a rather large nose that I was marrying. It was our wedding day. I remember that he wasn't a good person...not in the sense that he was killing people. But it felt like he struggled with testimony. I remember reminding him that he couldn't cuss at the wedding. I remember going around to see people, and feeling like throughout the day I had seen everyone except my new husband all day. I find him in the foyer of the banquet hall, making out with another woman.

Flash to another wedding day. TOTALLY different feeling. Outdoorsy type wedding. My new husband was making some sort of speech. He was short, had longer blondish hair, and a cute pointy nose. He looked like some California surfer type dude. I remember walking out in my dress, seeing him, and being so sure that he was my eternal companion. I remember this over whelming sense of love that I never could have imagined , but had frequently tried to before that day. He was saying something about his beautiful wife...ME! And I felt his love. For some reason, he was saying all of this while climbing up a rock climbing wall. And I remember that he said something about how our first date was April 14th or April 15th.

WHAT DO THESE THINGS MEAN?

I think I know. I'm preparing myself for marriage. I think God was trying to tell me to not settle, because anything less than what I want will not work out for me. This EXACT thing was articulated in my patriarchal blessing. He's trying to tell me that there is an eternal companion that is perfect for me, and when I meet him he will be worth waiting for. I've been getting antsy lately. But Heavenly Father is reassuring me that this love exists and is real. Perhaps I'll be presented with these 2 choices soon...being antsy, it might be easy to make a bad choice. But I'm grateful for dreams and personal revelations that prepare me for what's to come.

PS- If anyone knows any single, California surfer type dudes that wanna meet me at the temple, feel free to pass along my digits!

The Same....Doesn't Feel the Same Anymore.

Let me make this clear to you.

I love you, because I love people. And I appreciate what you've done for me, at some point in time you probably saved my life. You are a great person and I hope you remember that. You deserve greatness and happiness, and I hope you learn soon what that means for you. But that will NOT carry you into the future, at least not with me. I love you, but you've lost my respect. You shouldn't be surprised.

That being said...

I believe I've met some of the most outrageously amazing people on this earth. It's probably true that the people I admire most these days are in bed by 10:30 and wear name tags. One that fascinates me the most, used to. But these are people that go out of their way to make me smile. They are nothing but honest and true to who they are. And if they are in a period of discovery, they aren't hiding that and it just adds to our friendship. I'm super grateful for these people.

I'm most grateful for the church and the gospel I know is true. Lately, I've read scriptures in totally different lights and they make NEW sense to me. I've felt my Heavenly Father whisper into my ear and night and comfort me, love me. It's amazing! Despite the fact that our earthly relationships are volitile, and sensitive, and prone to failure and make ups and break ups all of the time, He is perfect. Uchtdorf said " Though we are imperfect, he loves us perfectly. Though we are incomplete, He loves us completely."

AWESOME!

PS- This family law class I'm blogging in right now is horrendous. I should have dropped this weeks ago. Oops, lesson learned. Except NOT. NO lessons learned, because I don't do anything or understand anything in this class. OH BOY.