Fed Up of Biding Your Time....

Today was a positive day.

I tried out for a trial team and didn't make it. It didn't upset me because I was told going in that it was an unrealistic expectation. But I helped in a open house today, and those are always fun because I love what they accomplish. They are part of the reason I am sure that I want to go into higher education administration.

I have a promising job interview for the summer where I would be doing administrative work in higher education. There's an even better position available at BYU, that I REALLY want. But we'll see.

And I've never been more tired in my life. School is better this semester because I really like what I'm studying. But the studying is draining me. The late nights and early mornings make me tired . The long days and no naps make me tired.

And I'm tired of being tired. My heart is tired of being tired. My soul is tired of being tired. I'm tired of understanding what the problem is and being powerless to fix it. I'm tired of being sure and then unsure and sure again. I'm tired of seeing the things i work for and want the most get handed to the people in front of me who do nothing but complain, or worse, flaunt.

I'm not depressed. (I think). I'm just tired. I want to just sleep and sleep and sleep. I want something to work out for me. I want to not feel desperate for EVERYTHING all of the time. I want to not be so needy.

I'm tired of being scared. I want to be brave, fearless. Bold.

I'm tired of coming in last place for everything.

i'm tired of not being good enough and not being seen.

I'm so tired.