I don't wanna be anything other than me

For the last month I've been incredibly frustrated with everyone and everything. I don't feel connected or close to anyone. That doesn't always make me sad, but sometimes it devastates me. I think I'm more devastated at the fact that there's no one I really want to be close to right now. Perhaps some missionaries. But they don't count.

I saw a blog once that was directed at "you", which happened to be everyone and no one at the same time. I'm headed in that direction.

Your lack of passion frustrates me. I see that you love things. I see that you love people. You're a loving person. But I have yet to see you passionate about anything. You change your mind on a daily basis. You reach to achieve things, yet you settle for others. You make the story about "you" a lot. You can be and do so much more, but it's like you've talked yourself into accepting mediocrity. Your stories change and are inconsistent a lot, and I suspect it's because you're a bit of a liar.

And you, my dear, just have no idea that there's a world that exists outside of you. More recently I have begun think that maybe you're learning. But it's as if you can only see the world through your special lens, and life is consistently focused on you. I see that you try to be there. But I question your motives sometimes.

And in some weird way, I really miss you. I miss being able to talk to you about anything. I miss hanging out for no good reason. I miss being the person you'd call to do something random with. I miss how you'd teach me. I miss studying with you, and feeding the missionaries with you, and talking to people about the church with you. I don't know how it is that all of a sudden, I disappeared.

You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Have some faith. Quit being wishy washy and flip floppy. Make up your mind what you want in life, go for it, and be happy. You need to remember those promises that have been made to you- trust and believe them. Quit inventing truth for yourself. Work harder. Play less. Love more. You can be a hypocrite at times. Worry more about yourself.

You're remarkable.

You're beautiful.

You're perfect.

You're so special. I hate when I get mad at you, because i WANT to be angry. But it always forces me to see the faults in myself, and I feel terrible. You're great at what you do. I always knew you would be. But I feel like before I held a special place in your heart, and now I don't anymore. Maybe I still do. I felt like you'd always be able to see the real me. And I could always see the real you. You've been a big part of my life. Don't ever forget me, I'll never forget you.

You've been resting on a stale testimony. You go through the motions but have forgotten what they mean. You justify your wrong actions because you're more concerned about pleasure. You're content with the bare minimum. You have no desire to be stronger, or to get closer to your Heavenly Father. You quickly pass off your responsibility as something that should be taken care of by others. You look past God's children because you deem them unworthy of your time. You have lost your way and you don't even know it. You don't listen. You don't act. Ignorance will no longer be an excuse for failure. Get up, and get right.

I love you.


- Sincerely,
Me.